Monday, September 6, 2010

Confession

I have a confession to make. This noble "quest for the truth" of mine is getting a bit out of hand. It is what I think about in my free time, composing blog posts in my mind while driving home from work, or while playing with my kids, or while sitting in the pew at church. I read commentaries when I should be writing progress notes for work, or emailing a friend back, or having a conversation with my husband. I peruse the blogs of skeptics and Christians alike when I should be sleeping, or cleaning the kitchen, or volunteering to have my neighbor's children over.

This quest is highly important to me, and will continue to be. But, I feel myself withdrawing a bit, even from those I care about. I don't feel the desire to call my mom and catch up or check on friends via Facebook like I use to do. My husband called me on this recently and said he feels disconnected from me. I'm not surprised. It hasn't been easy to connect with me lately. I told him that we don't have alot to talk about since he doesn't feel comfortable discussing the subject that continually preoccupies me. Neither of us want it to be this way, this isolating. So, we went on a date Friday night. I was grumpy and irritable, mainly due to work stress and the fact that our oldest sobbed and wailed relentlessly when we dropped him off at Kid's Night Out. However, my husband valiantly maintained a good mood throughout it all. Towards the end of the evening, my crankiness subsided and we were finally able to talk in that easy way we normally have with each other. We discussed some touchy subjects and even managed to laugh with each other a bit.

I realize that this vexing doubt of mine is here for awhile, maybe forever, so there's no need to let it take over, like a new best friend who goes everywhere with you, leaving you no time for anyone else. I'll have to learn when to talk to it like the neighborhood children, "It's time for you to home for now, but you can come back tomorrow."

7 comments:

  1. I have absolutely no advice to give, but I'll be reading your comments with interest! At least know that I understand.

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  2. " I told him that we don't have alot to talk about since he doesn't feel comfortable discussing the subject that continually preoccupies me."

    Super to hear you made it from there to better communication. I always figure that a little talk here and a little there over time adds up to substantive communication. Just that the 'over time' part usually takes far longer than I want it too.

    "I'll have to learn when to talk to it like the neighborhood children, "It's time for you to home for now, but you can come back tomorrow."

    I like what you say about find balance. Easier said than done, but a good reminder for me. Thanks!

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  3. Yikes. We really are the same person... my life sounds quite similar. Nothing matters to me more than finding an answer. My wife and I just talked about it this past weekend. I find I'm torn. Intellectually I completely realize that I have other priorities. But inside I find I care far less than I should.

    There's something that makes me want to say that nothing can go on until I have my satisfaction with a resolution. In some sense I actually think I'm right -- if god does not exist I want to get on with rebuilding my life's foundations. What do I believe? What is the basis for morality? How do my friendships change? What about how we raise our kids? Stuff like that. It's almost intolerable to be in limbo land, at least for me.

    A lot of this would have been far easier if I could just have stumbled on these questions and open-mindedness before getting into all this "adult" life stuff. Too late. I feel trapped. I'd lock myself away for like a year and emerge when I had the answer in an ideal world. Obviously not that extreme but it's how I feel sometimes.

    I don't know that I have a lot of advice for you myself... I'm distracted from family and work alike as well.

    My wife and I talked about scheduling some "research nights" so that I can be dedicated for a smaller chunk of time rather than being half with it for the whole week, if that makes sense. You already saw my post about taking the bus, but there's another way that I'm trying to do something to consolidate my time so that the rest of it can be freed up for what it's supposed to be used on...

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  4. Try to pace yourself. Skepticism is a lifetime vocation. The questions will always be there but the only answers worth finding are the ones that make sense in the context of the relationships that are important to you. As atimetorend observed, however, balance is easier said than done.

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  5. Like A Child and atimetorend,
    It's good to know I'm not the only one struggling with balance!

    Hendy,
    I guess I know who my long lost twin is now *grin*

    You wrote: "It's almost intolerable to be in limbo land, at least for me."

    Ditto. This is stretching my tolerance to the extreme.

    "I'd lock myself away for like a year and emerge when I had the answer in an ideal world."

    I smiled when I read that line. It's a lovely fantasy. Oh, well.

    I liked your idea about scheduling time to research. I was just thinking of something along that line myself. I'll have to talk it over with my husband and see what happens.

    Vinny,
    Thanks for the words of wisdom. You're absolutely right. This lifelong pursuit is not merely academic. It is about how to live. And my relationships are what give living such richness and meaning.

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  6. Hmmm.

    Herein lays the irony. Deconverts are often informed we weren’t committed enough. Didn’t work hard enough. Didn’t ponder enough, didn’t have enough faith…didn’t do enough.

    Yet we found the investigation so all-consuming, it filled our every waking hour.

    If Christ, or theism, was merely a small mark on your resume, you could research it with a few moments of time. But if Christianity becomes part of every cell, every breath…well….it becomes silly to think we could remove it as easily as a piece of clothing.

    The fact it is so ingrained demonstrates the depth of your belief.

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  7. It sounds like your husband appreciates you for who you are. It's great to have the support of your spouse while you struggle through the tough times. I think Hendy had a great idea about the scheduled research time, maybe my wife and I can try that together.

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